Hey, uh, Schmitty?
I was just wondering. I... I feel like it's goin' really well.
Is there any indication on how my trial week has been?
Yeah, listen. It's not up to me, it's up to Rachael, okay?
Has Rachael said anything, good or bad?
Uh, Rachael has no idea who you are, and that is good.
Uh...
Schmitty... Classic.
And that's a good laugh. Laugh like that, like, "Hah!"
Hah!
- Hah! - Hah!
That's amazing. Now show me a seven!
Okay.
Nine!
Welcome to Rachael Ray.
I hope I learn how to cook something today.
And, Joe, how old are you?
I am 30.
Thirty. Is that too old, Clemmie?
That's fine.
Is it?
My dad is, uh, goin' deaf.
I don't know if anybody here is hard of hearing.
I mean, it's not like serious deaf.
It's like the kind of deaf you can make fun of, just like dad deaf.
But it's just stubbornness.
I actually told him to get a hearing aid, and he literally went,
"Ah! What could you be saying?"
And then resumed watching Jeopardy on 100.
Hi, enjoy your, uh, Spoonula. You're a great crowd.
You were hilarious.
Oh, my goodness, thank you. Thank you so much.
You were our favorite part.
Oh, my God! Thank you.
Thanks. Wow. Bye, ladies.
Thank you.
- Hey, man. - Hey, man, you're early. I like that.
I'm just setting up for you guys.
Yeah, I... I was actually, um,
hoping I could talk to you for a second?
- Sure, what's up? - It's actually good news.
I got a... a job, a TV job, doin', uh, warm-up.
Really? Daily Show? Tonight Show?
It's a daytime show. It's, uh, Rachael Ray.
It's a little bit like late night but during the day,
and there's cooking.
All right. Look, man, it's, you know, green money. Good for you.
I was really hopin' maybe that would mean I don't have to,
you know, hand out fliers to get on stage anymore.
- What? - I got a TV credit.
I thought maybe I could go on earlier,
you know, while the crowd is still here.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Nah! - What do you mean, "Nah"?
Pete, I'm happy you're makin' housewives happy,
throwin' out candy bars in between gazpacho recipes.
But this is... this is stand-up.
You got to pay your dues.
That's what I've been doing, you know, standing out on the corner,
handing out fliers for five hours just to
go on at the end of the night.
I... What about all the other guys
that go on before me that don't even have a credit?
I do two shows before this club even opens.
- So? - I get paid.
So? All these other guys that you're
knocking with your condescending tone,
they've put in 10, 12 years, they're grinding. Okay?
They put in their time, and they earn that stage.
You can't just skip to the front of the line
because you got lucky with a job. Fuck you.
Hold on. You don't understand. I... I kill.
You should see me.
It's like regular, sober, Midwestern people.
I'm like Gaffigan, and Seinfeld. I crush.
Not-not some CBGB lineup
of five rock and roll comedians talking about...
- Oh! - ...how hard it is to find the G-spot.
Oh, I get it! So you're better than us!
Vaginas are weird, get over it.
This is where the real work takes place.
Not in some pastel-colored studio
with a... with a lit-up applause sign.
I gave you the only teacher you need, right here.
Stop acting like you did me such a favor.
I'm doing like slave labor for you out there. What is this, Nike?
Fuck this. I don't need this.
Ooh, not so clean anymore, huh, Pete? Don't tell Rachael Ray.
Oh, people come in here to do coke.
Yeah. You know what they go to Rachael Ray for?
For a panini maker. That's why they sit through the audience.
You're opening for a fuckin' sandwich.
You know what? I'm done barking for you.
You sandwich comic!
Uh, hey, uh, some old lady on the street today
told me I look like Mark Wahlberg.
Now I just need to meet a young lady who also has dementia.
Thanks, sweetie.
- Pete, you're next. - Okay.
Hey, would you mind when you bring me up, would you tell everybody
that, um, I'm the warm-up guy for Rachael Ray?
Really? A credit? It's an open mic.
No, I just... I feel like the audience gets a kick out of it
when they know you've done something.
Okay. Credit. Got it.
Worst advice I ever took in my life was,
"Hey, man, it's probably bad coke, just do the whole bag."
Thank you very much.
Matt Maragno, everyone.
Representing USA. All right.
Yeah!
We're gonna keep the comedy going.
The next comedian coming to the stage wants me to let you know
that he's the warm-up comedian for the Rachael Ray Show.
Yeah, warm-up.
Where comedians go to die.
Pete Holmes, everyone. Pete Holmes.
Uh, thanks.
Um...
Forgot what I was gonna, uh, open with. Uh...
You... You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you?
That's...
You know... Just get in.
I never know what to tip those guys.
Please stop. Please stop fucking singing.
That's how I relieve stress.
It sounds unstable.
You see, this is why you and I never got it on,
because you don't get me.
- I missed my chance. - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey, Pete!
- What's up? - How you doing, man? Sit down. Sit.
- I can sit with you guys? - Of course.
Don't want to impose on the comedians' table.
Dude, I got the text. I got to tell you... Tell 'em.
The gig! Big news. Tell 'em.
- Ah. It's okay. - What?
I got a little thing, but we don't... I don't want to talk...
A little thing? Come on, tell 'em.
- Tell 'em, no? - It's... I'm havin' a weird night.
You're havin' a weird... Obviously,
look, it's not for me to share, man.
But, uh, he's gonna go through with it. The operation's Tuesday.
- Oh, great. - You're worth it.
I'm getting... I'm getting a sex change.
You get it?
- Hey, Artie, dude, you're up. - Okay.
Nice outfit. What'd you... What'd you, join ISIS?
Yeah. You got to love Artie, man.
The guy always looks like he just got divorced,
but he never was married, so... Kill it.
I'm gonna, uh... smoke a cigarette.
What's up, man? I'm Pete.
- Oh, hey, dude. - I think you're really funny,
and I love your stuff.
Oh, nice. Well, hey, uh, is this a wedding?
'Cause we're really shakin' a lot of hands.
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I didn't know you were running for office.
- That was a lot of handshaking. - Press the flesh.
Well, I'm gonna go smoke. Nice meeting you, Pete.
Yes.
- Uh... Do you want to come? - Yeah.
Let's smoke. I would love to come.
- Uh, see you guys. - Congrats again.
That's gross.
Just something about your...
puppet face
and your shiny lips and your crooning.
It's, uh, it's unsettling.
Got it?
Mm.
Flavor country.
Good, huh?
So, uh, I feel kind of like I'm corrupting a minor.
You're not a big smoker, huh?
No, I smoke sometimes when I drink.
Sometimes I'll... bum a smoke.
And, uh, you don't really drink, huh?
Not really. I've been meaning to drink more.
You know, um, you're a friend of Artie's.
How come I've never seen you go up? Where do you work?
Uh, the Boston is my... Uh, was...
- I was goin' up at the Boston a lot. - What happened?
Lately, I... I've been focusing a lot on my, um, job.
- Oh, you got a job? - Day job.
The thing I got is a... it's a warm-up gig.
- Uh-huh. - It's, uh... Rachael Ray.
Hey, that's great.
- Really? - Yes. That's awesome, dude.
I thought it was, but everybody's givin' me a lot of grief,
you know, like it's not a real... It's not real comedy, it's...
Aw, come on. Hey, listen.
I hate to break it to you, but show business
doesn't get much better than that, right?
You're tellin' jokes., You're home by noon. It's a win, all right?
- Really? - Yeah.
Thanks, man. That means a lot.
Mm-hmm.
You know, you don't have to smoke that if you don't want to.
I didn't really want to smoke.
I just kind of wanted to hang out, 'cause I...
- I figured, yeah. - ...respect you so much.
Well, thanks. If this warm-up doesn't work,
you can be a professional kiss ass.
Hmm?
I did real time, too, man.
I did two months in LA County Jail for possession of coke.
And I'll tell you how to survive in jail.
You... You particularly, you might want to go with this.
First day, I go out to the yard, find
the biggest, baddest motherfucker I could,
and I blew him.
I gave him the worst blow job in the history of a blow job.
I wanted it to get around the jail
that I gave a bad blow job.
If two gang members are talking about
your ability to give a blow job in jail,
here's how you want that conversation to go:
"Do not let that motherfucker blow you."
"He sucks at it."
Now... There you are. Good hangin', man, yeah.
That was fun, man. Thanks.
It's good to see ya. You seem, you know, uh...
well, not good, but, you know, less terrible, right?
Yeah, I'm... It feels pretty good, man, uh...
- Yeah. - Come to a taping anytime.
Seriously, when?
Are you Se...? I was kidding.
You know, unbelievable. I don't look like a guy who could use recipes?
I love Rachael Ray.
- Yeah. - And I could support you, too.
- Any time. - Right?
Good night, Artie.
- Take care of yourself. - Thank you.
- Hi, ladies. Thank you. - Thanks.
Every day, with Rachael Ray.
Every day. Take one day off.
Enjoy your free magazine.
Hello?
Hi, Pete. My name is Julie Brigante.
Do we know each other or...
No. My husband works with your wife.
His name is Leif.
Oh. Um...
I need to talk to you in person, right away.
Um... uh, sure.
- Julie? - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Um... - Thank you for meeting me like this.
Hey...
I just couldn't talk about this over the phone.
Sure. Is, uh...
- I'm at work, so I only have a minute. - Mm.
Is everything okay? Or...
My husband is... I have reason to believe
my husband is, um...
sleeping with your wife.
I know. I know, I can tell you're shocked,
and I'm sorry to have to drop this news on you.
I just had to tell you.
Thank you.
- You're welcome. It's what you do, Pete. - Thanks for telling me.
She called me! I've got to meet her again!
She didn't know. About the whole situation,
she didn't know, she thought I didn't know.
Who gives a shit who knows?
She thought she was breaking the news to me, I had to pretend.
She made it sound like I was supposed to,
like, activate the phone tree.
Right.
Is that the protocol, that I'm supposed to tell
the wife of the guy that had sex with my wife?
I would've wanted to know if I was her.
Dude, you were her, that's the point.
You were her but in a much different way.
You were her, but you were watching your
wife get fucked from five feet away.
You got no responsibility in this.
No! What, are you kidding me?
You got the raw end of that deal, man.
Thanks, man, that... that makes me feel better.
Look at this, man. Can you believe this?
Like, how big is this? All this from makin' sandwiches.
Yeah, I know.
I wish there was money in eatin' sandwiches.
Aw, Christ.
You know, I mean, it's not every day you got to... deliver news like that.
- Sure, yeah. - I just had to tell you.
How you holdin' up?
It's... quite a blow you dealt me, but...
Good, but you're resilient.
- Yeah. - You know? Yeah, you're like me.
If something bad happens,
you pull yourself up by your fuckin' bootstraps.
You just got to man up. Am I right? Cheers.
Bootstraps. Go ahead.
I'm... I have a show in a couple hours.
Peter, don't make me drink alone.
- Uh, all... all one? - Jesus.
Oh, yeah.
I think we can be honest with each other, Pete.
I mean, my marriage wasn't exactly
fuckin' perfect the last couple of years.
You guys must've been having problems, too, huh?
Were you, uh...
Oh! Fuck, yeah. You could barely feel the pulse.
When we first got together, I fuck, eh...
The amount of orgasms I had, it was shattering.
Oh, God.
That's the only way I could settle down at night.
Some people like tea and a book.
At the end... once, twice a week.
- Oh. - If that. All of sudden,
my powerful personality emasculates him.
I mean, what man doesn't feel like fucking?
- Uh... - Am I right?
Uh... It's crazy.
- What about you guys, huh? - I...
You were obviously having problems, too. It was sexual?
Um, no. We had...
Uh, you know, I don't think it was sex.
I thought about sushi.
She always was like, "You always want to eat sushi."
Um, she loved upstate. I... I'm more of a city boy.
What a fuckin' snooze.
Let me tell you somethin'.
- I need your help. - What? Okay.
New York State law is very clear
that if we could prove infidelity, they get nothing.
- You want to... - I got to prove their infidelity.
I got a six million dollar fortune.
- Holy shit! Really? - So I need your help, Pete.
- What are we gonna do? - What do you mean?
If you have a joint phone, you can get the
phone company to release the records to you,
and then we have proof, and then they get nothing.
- What about a GPS? - Like... Yeah, we have a GPS.
- In the car. - Why don't you fucking check it?
Then you can tell where she went.
Or, maybe, we just...
move on, you know?
And what am I supposed to do, start over?
What, am I gonna text strangers pictures of my clam?
Maybe we just live well.
Isn't... isn't that a good... the best revenge?
Shouldn't we just let sleeping dogs... have an affair,
and go off and be together if they want to be together?
Are you familiar with Shania Twain?
Yeah. "That Don't Impress on Me Much"?
Yeah. She got cheated on, and then you know what she did?
What?
She slept with the man who was married to the lady
who stole her husband and broke up her marriage.
And it wasn't just a one-night stand, Pete.
They enjoyed the feeling.
Okay. Um, thank you for the drink...
I don't want to be alone tonight.
Um... I'm gonna go.
Meet me in the bathroom. I'm gonna leave the door open.
No...
I'm going this way.
You know, I'm in my 30s, this is a horny time for me.
People don't tell women that in your 30s,
like, your sex drive, that shit will
have you lookin' at dudes with, like,
full-face tattoos.
Good set.
Oh. Thanks, man.
Yeah, they were good tonight.
You're gettin' better. Glad I took a chance on you.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Who's that?
Just this woman, wants to have sex with me.
That woman wants to fuck you?
This is Shania Twain. This is not the woman sending...
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
What is that?
Oh! That's a clam.
Ho! You got to send a picture back.
- What? - If you get a picture of a clam,
you have to send back a picture of your man clam or it's rude.
Look, I'm not gonna send this woman
a... a dick pic. I barely know her.
You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics.
You just Google... picture of dick.
Got to make sure it looks enough like your dick,
because you don't want your dick pick to write
a check that your real dick can't cash.
I got it.
- You want to see the dick I use? - No.
It might be able to work for both of us.
I have an Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick.
I don't want to use your dick.
She's probably sitting at home, wondering
what's wrong with her clam. Rude.
I'm not sending a real or a fake dick.
I don't even want to see this person again.
A guy like you, in a shirt like that,
you shouldn't be turning down pussy, is what I'm saying.
- Hey, Pete. - Geez! What the fuck, man!
Hey, Leif, Pete. It's Leif, man.
- God! You scared the shit out of me. - Okay, I'm sorry.
How did you even know where I was gonna be?
You tweeted about it like four times.
How was the show? Was it okay?
What? What do you want?
I know that Julie and you met today, and...
I don't... I am not talking about that with you, okay?
Well, look, uh, it's just that, I know she...
I know she came, and... and got... got to you,
and she's just trying to get between us, man,
so that she can take what's rightfully mine.
What are you talking about? You cheated on her.
Yes! But she emotionally abandoned me first, man,
that's when the marital contract ended.
She claims that she started this really
successful business all by herself,
but, man, I was the one at home.
I was the one tending to everything,
making sure things were perfect, loving her all the time.
It didn't give me any chance to go out and earn anything else.
- So you think you deserve half? - Yes!
- Half of your wife's fortune? - Yes! Like an NBA wife, yes.
God, I don't want to be involved, okay?
Okay, well, you are involved, Pete.
I'm thinking about the future,
my future, Jess's future. We need it.
So what? You want me to lie?
I... I walked in on you!
I saw you having sex with another woman! My wife!
Maybe you didn't, maybe you did.
What?
Maybe you did not.
Think about it, man. Protect the people you love.
This is Jess's money, too, man.
- I don't want to... - We need it.
- Fuck off, okay? - Okay.
I will fuck off, but...
you got to listen to your heart, man.
I know it's in your body, but it's got a little mouth.
Listen to it.
And I... And I know you'll do the right thing, Pete.
I believe in you.
I always have.
I got to tell you, I don't even think I remember my prom,
but I do remember that I did not find
a date until two days before the prom.
So I cut that kind of close.
My boyfriend at the time, well, I thought he was taking me,
and it turns out, he was dating someone else.
Yeah.
- He was cheating on you on prom week? - Yeah.
I ended up taking, um, the best date possible... uh, myself.
Yes!
Thank you so mu... Like, it's... it's really... It was defining.
Because, you know, I was prom queen, you know.
- Woo! - Yeah, yeah.
Or I think I was a runner-up, or whatever.
But I just... I, like, had a blast, you know.
I was with my friends, and I was like,
"You know what? I don't need a man
to like, have fun." You know?
That's right, you learned it at an early age.
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and you know what? You know what?
It's like... It's like, you can cheat on me,
but you can't cheat on this!
Yeah!
We'll be right back. I'll meet you guys in the kitchen
for my Macho Gazpacho.
Thank you again, Vanessa. It was really good, really good.
Okay, there she is, everybody! That was amazing!
We're clear, guys, you can sit down!
- Wow, that was incredible, right? - Yeah.
That was moving, uh, very inspiring.
I've never seen an audience give so much love
to a guest like that, that was incredible.
Wow, what a story.
Anybody here ever been cheated on?
I know, it's kind of raw, right? It's hard.
I, myself, I was actually married,
and I just walked in on my wife having an affair.
I know, that's the correct response, good.
And it was hard, it was rough.
The guy's name was Leif.
Yeah, that's real. He's named after foliage.
People drive to Vermont to see him in the fall.
And I walked in on my wife...
being a real Leif-blower, if you know what...
Yeah, imagine how I felt! It was terrible.
But, you know, just like Vanessa, she... she didn't stop me.
This is like, what, 10 days later?
It's only a little bit later, and here I am, living my dream.
- Aw. - Show business.
Warmin' up you wonderful people at Rachael Ray.
'Cause you can cheat on me, but you can't stop this, right?
Right?
You guys are wonderful.
Uh, okay. I'm getting the signal
that we need to... We need to go right back.
So, big, big, big, big applause! Big... Up, up, up!
And we'll bring her back! Up, up, up, up, up!
It's time for the gazpacho!
All right, guys! Welcome back. As promised, I'm gonna show you...
What? What are you doing here?
You knew! You knew the entire time, but you didn't say anything to me?
Shut up! Shh!
Oh, you want me to be quiet?
Yes, I'm on... I'm on my job.
I can't talk about this here.
Oh, are you in it for the money?
Oh, my God. It's so obvious to me right now.
- You're in it for my money. - That is not true.
- Oh, it's not? - I don't want to help...
- Then why don't you want to help me? - You're very scary.
I don't think it's right to go after these people. Let's just move on.
Your wife was cheating with my husband
and you didn't say anything to me.
Shut up! Shh! I wanted to tell you.
I just... It was an awkward situation.
My wife had an affair. I don't have to call
the wife of the guy she had sex with.
Well, you're a monster, and you're a criminal.
I'm not... Listen, I'm sorry. We can figure this out. Please sit down.
I can't believe that I was gonna fuck you.
So I'm gonna take a break and zhuzh this up.
We come back, I'll show you the Margarita Shrimp. Come on back.
Woo!
Lot of applause! Lot of applause! Up, up, up, up!
Wasn't that great?
All right. Um, we got, uh... We got the gazpacho.
It's uh... uh, ready.
And then we got the... enchilada recipe.
Uh, those are... those are both gonna be available
at, um, Rachel Ray, obviously, dot-com.
So we just have, uh, we have a minute here.
Uh, why don't I... Who haven't I talked to?
Sorry.
I'm trippin'.
Whoa! I'm trippin', Boo!
I'll just... I'll stay down here where it's safe.
Um, how about you, ma... Uh, madam? Madam?
What's your name? My name's Elsa.
Elsa. Give it up for Elsa.
Um, are you married? We're talking a lot about marriage.
Yes, I am. Fifty-two years.
Fifty-two big ones. Yeah.
Uh, great. Um... What is the secret
to a happy marriage, would you say?
- Love. - That's great.
Yeah, you can... We can clap for love.
This guy's not clapping. Uh, you're not...
Do you think it's love? Yeah... and oral.
Yeah!
Woo! Okay.
That's not exactly a Rachael Ray Show kind of joke,
but, look, they love it, they love it.
Oral, Elsa. Elsa, do you think oral,
is that a part of a happy marriage?
Everybody ha... Everybody does it.
Sex? Oral sex? I've done it. They've done it.
You've definitely... you've done it.
But, uh, yeah, I mean, even conservatively,
52 years, once a month, that's...
That's way too low. At least once a week.
Once a week? She says at least once a week,
sitting next to the happiest man in America right there.
So, okay, Elsa...
52 weeks in a year, 52 years, 52 times 52...
Twenty-seven hundred!
That's amazing!
Uh, so, you know, don't... don't freak out,
but, Elsa, if their math checks out,
you have given at least two-thousand, seven-hundred BJs.
How was I supposed to know that was Rachael's mom?
You said you're a huge fan of the show, she's on all the time.
Well, she brought it up. No, she did not bring up blow jobs.
- Yes, she did! - No, Pete, we have it on tape.
Well, play back the tape, and you will see a woman
that's obsessed with oral sex.
Do you like comedy?
Great live comedy, guys. Two-for-one.
- Two-for-one with the flier. - No.
- We got a great live show. - Come on, come on, come on.
Head in the game. Jim Gaffigan. I get it.
We got a great live comedy show. Hey! Great live comedy show!
Check it out! Check it out! Two-for-one! Boston... Comedy Club.
Hey, where we goin'? Where we goin'? Where we goin'?